


Be More then I've Always Been

by Mintelion



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Also Connor is Alive, Angst, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm sorry if you cry, Jared is truly incredibly cool, M/M, Murphy Sibling Bonding is too good, So Basically I'm just Bad., Suicidal Thoughts, This is not NSFW, because i am a smol bean, first fic, more tags will be added along the way, nobody dies au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-10-24 21:08:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10749858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mintelion/pseuds/Mintelion
Summary: "Dear Evan Hansen, today's gonna be a good day, and here's why."It's Evan's senior year, and after his 'accident' over the summer, his mother's been constantly reassuring him that this year would be good for him. He'd meet new friends, and get ready for college (something Evan is /definitely/ not ready for) and the whole year would be better then the last.So he writes a letter."Dear Evan Hansen"It was funny how three words could have so much effect on something.And now Evan's world has been sent for a spin, because suddenly things are changing, Evan is talking to new people, there's a musical happening, people know his name, and Evan has never realized how pretty Connor's laugh is?And to think it all started with three words...Maybe funny wasn’t the right word.





	1. Three Words Can Ruin Lives, but in the Gay Way.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fanfiction so I'm really sorry if it's shitty?? But anyway my tumblr is @mintelion if you guys want updates on this or something.  
> Also I am bad at summarizing.  
> Just,,,,,, I got things planned out, don't worry. Try to stick around?  
> Haha ok just,,, have this short first chapter for now.

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

 

It was funny how three words could have so much effect on something.

Maybe funny wasn’t the right word.

Maybe it was surprising. Alarming. Astounding. Extraordinary.

That was another word that always made Evan wonder.  _ Extraordinary _ . It was literally telling someone they were _more_ ordinary than the average person. But somehow it was always used in a manner that made a person something amazing. They were  _ extraordinary. _

_ Get of out your head _ , He told himself.  _ You always do this. _ It was probably a good thing that he was the only one that used the computer lab after school. If anybody else used it, they’d probably see Evan just staring at his computer screen, writing letters to himself, and then they’d think he was a loser, which he was, and they’d tell the entire school, and Evan would have to transfer schools just to escape the embarrassment, but somebody would have friends at his old school and the rumor would just spread, and Evan would always be that one senior that wrote letters to himself in the computer lab for the rest of his life and he’s be publiclaly shamed, so he’s stay inside all day and would become so pale the neighborhood kids would think he was a vampire and-

“ _ Dear Evan Hansen. _ ” A voice said behind him, and Evan jumped so hard he could’ve snapped out of his skin, and become a ghost forever. He hadn’t even heard the computer lab door open, or the kid walk over to him, before reading over his shoulder. When he finally managed to snap his gaze away from the open word document to look at who it was exactly that had spoken, Evan was suddenly very tempted to go back to that offer of becoming a ghost forever.

Because  _ Connor Murphy  _ was standing behind him.

And oh god  _ oh god oh god Connor Murphy was standing behind him.  _ Evan’s life may as well be over already, because any wrong move or wrong sentence could end up with Connor’s fist meeting his cheek. He could practically feel the sting already. Was Connor still angry about what happen with Jared in the hallway? He really hadn’t been laughing, but somebody had nudged him with a laugh and he responded with a nervous chuckle because he didn’t want to seem out of place, but that only ended up with Evan on the floor, and a target on his back. It had been a big misunderstanding, really, the entire thing. But that didn't change the fact that Evan and Connor Murphy were now staring at each other in an awkward silence as Evan continued to think. Which he should probably stop doing. Like right now.

Stop.

Just.

_ Talk! _

"I-i- uhm, i didn't- why're- Hel- Hey- Hi! Hi....Connor. Hi Connor."  _Smooth,_ he mentally chastised himself, deciding to fidget with a loose string on the helm of his shirt, while his eyes darted from the screen, to Connor, to the ground, and back to Connor, who was raising an eyebrow by now, but didn't point out the shitty beginning.

"Right. Hey, uh, so, sorry about earlier." Connor said, scratching his neck awkwardly. He obviously wasn't one for apologizing. But then again, Evan had been known to apologize over excessively, so it wasn't that bad.

"E-earlier?" _Was he talking about--_

"When I shoved you?" Oh. _So he was._

"Oh, n-no! It's fine, i-i'm fine." He tried to reassure him quickly, twisting his shirt between his fingers. "I,- uh, I wasn't a-actually laughing. At you, i mean."

"Yeah, I kinda figured that out a little late" He said, sheepishly. Odd. Evan had never thought Connor Murphy was capable of doing anything 'sheepishly'. Evan didn't ever actually speak to, or know literally anything about Connor, so there wasn't anything to go off of. Another silence fell over them, before Connor spoke again.

"So!  _'Dear Evan Hansen,'_ what's that all about?" He asked, nudging his head towards the computer screen. In the awkward tenseness of the conversation Evan almost forgot what actually had started it.

"Oh! Uhm, it's a letter."

"To yourself?"

"Uhm," he chuckled nervously, "It's an assignment, actually.... from my therapist...." He trailed off quietly, now staring at his shoes. He noted that Connor's eyebrows raised slightly at the mention of a therapist, but he didn't make any note on it. He seemed to be doing that a lot. Evan had counted the laces on his shoes around about 4 times before Connor spoke again.

"So, what happened to your arm?" He asked, eyeing his cast with a curious look.

"O-Oh! Uhm, actually, I, uh, I fell out of a tree."

"You fell out of a tree?" Connor looked surprised, and then.. was that  _sympathy?_

"Yes..?"

"That is the  _saddest_ fucking thing I've ever heard in my life" He smirked, a small chuckle on his lips. Evan let out a nervous chuckle too, picking at the area above his cast.  _Of course it is, it's what I did. And it didn't even work, because nothing I do ever works out, so why would attempting to-  - finish the job be any different? And of course it would be so heavy and hard to move in because it's just another reminder of how useless this is and how useless i am, and-_

"Nobody's signed your cast" 

"Oh, uhm, yeah, I haven't really asked anyone to"  _Because I know nobody will. I tried to ask but nobody listened. Because nobody ever listens whenever I speak because I'm a nusiance and they'd probably just--_

"I'll sign it" Evan's gaze snapped up to meet Connor's, shocked out of his mental spiral.

"I-I'm sorry what?"

"I'll sign it. Got a sharpie?"

"N-No nono you really don't have to i-if you don't want to it's n-not a big deal theresreallynoreasonyoushouldsomaybe-"

"I want to sign it. Now gimme a sharpie." Connor said, steadily calm, obviously not going to give up on this. Evan nodded, and took out a sharpie from his bag, handing it to Connor, who uncapped it and wrote, in large, scratchy handwriting, that covered almost all the way from his hand to his elbow.

"Oh... thanks."

"Anytime!" Connor said, with something that resembled a smile, while he recapped the pen and handed it back to Evan. He took it, and put it in his bag, before looking at Connor again, who was still giving him a patient smile.

"You can tell me now"

"Uh...? Tell you w-what.."

"That I have the  _worst_ handwriting ever. It's horrid!" He laughed, like, an actual genuine laugh, from  _Connor Murphy_ , about something that included Evan Hansen in some way.

And his laugh was so  _pretty._ It was genuine, and it felt like when the sun shines through the tree's leaves and onto fresh grass and the shadows were left, always shifting, always changing, but always familiar. It was deep, but not too deep, and it was surprisingly soft, and it filled Evan with a sense of happiness because a sound as pretty as that could only come from a person just as beautiful and-

Wait,  _what._ Evan blinked, surprised at the thoughts that had just appeared out of nowhere. He was so shocked he missed what Connor had begun to say.

"I-I'm sorry, what?"

"I  _said,_ that I should probably go. And, uh, leave you to your... letters.

"Oh! Uhm, yes, alright, yeah, ok. I, uh, t-that's probably a good idea!" Connor nodded, and grabbed his bag again, slinging it over his shoulder, and turning to walk out of the computer lab.

"I-I guess I'll see you around then..?" Evan said suddenly, stopping him as he put his hand on the knob. Connor looked at Evan, with a small smile.

"Yeah. See you around" And just like that, he was gone.

Leaving Evan alone in the computer lab.

With unwritten letters and a fuzzy feeling that Evan is unsure about.

 

_ " This is gonna be a good day, and here's why : " _


	2. Productivity? More like confused rambles and sarcasm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan goes home and has a very interesting chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got such positive feedback, so here's the next chapter! I still have no idea how many chapters I'll be doing?? I didn't plan any of this out,,,,,, shit,,,,

In the end, Evan didn't get around to finishing his letter.

So it was only a matter of time until his mom asked, and he wouldn't have any good reason to tell her.

 _'I was talking to a kid who pushed me and called me a freak'_ wasn't exactly the ideal response.

 _'I couldn't stop thinking about Connor Murphy and his stupidly perfect laugh'_ was far too embarrassing to say out-loud. Evan didn't even know why he was  _thinking_ it, for goodness sake!

He came up with more, the endless trail of imperfect excuses never working because Evan could think of a  _million_ ways that his mother would react badly or get the wrong idea.

Evan sighed, remorseful, as he took out his key chain and unlocked his front door, taking a step into the home he knew so well. He took a moment to look around.

The house was small, nowhere near the size as the other houses he always sees on his walk to school in the morning. It was a dark blue, with white trimmings and grey-tiled roof. Because his mother never had enough time to actually put in real bushes or flowers, the paved sidewalk leading to the front door from the driveway was lined with potted flowers that Evan made sure to water whenever he left in the morning, or before he ate dinner. Or, at least the time he  _should've_ eaten dinner, because he had happened to skip dinner last night. And the night before. And-- And this wasn't important. The point was that there were potted plants on the walkway. The wooden door was a nice wooden brown, with a metal gray knob. 

The inside of the house had a simple layout, with a small entrance hallway, with a set of stairs on the left and a door that lead to upstairs, and the garage. On the right there was a small guest bathroom, and a coat rack and shoe box. The dark wooden floors near the entrance were covered in a soft rug. Which Evan always thought was a nice touch, because as he untied his shoes and put them in the box, he could walk on the rug and get the comfy material between his toes, and it was like standing in a field of grass. But the nice kind, how you imagine grass should feel like, without the dirt underneath.

Evan walked out of the entry way, into a wider space, which held the living room, and a kitchen separated only by a half-wall with a space in the middle to look into the living room. The kitchen had a small counter lining the walls, in a U-Shape. A sticky-note was on the refrigerator door, with a 20 pinned next to it with a blue magnet. Evan picked up the sticky note, reading it quickly even though he already knew what it was.

_Evan,_

_I have a late shift today and won't be home until 10. There's a 20 so you can order dinner. Love you!!_

_Mom ♡_

Evan sighed, and put the note down on the counter. He walked over back to the entrance, and headed upstairs, to where Evan's room and his mother's room, plus a bathroom, were. He hovered outside his door for a second, a door which he had gotten painted a pastel blue, with pearly white clouds near the top, and different types of trees near the bottom. He smiles slightly. He remembered how when he was designing it, he had to make sure that the person who painted it got the different types of trees right. He even printed out reference photos, because the one thing his dad couldn't paint was trees.

The smile is gone.

The doors is another constant reminder of how  _fucked up_ his life has been. Well, obviously the door didn't do any harm, but it was who painted it. Evan's father, who had left sometime in February, 2007, when Evan had only been seven, after he and Heidi got divorced. A bitter taste filled Evan's mouth, and he opened the door closing it behind him, and walked to his bed, and simply collapsing into it. He lets out the third sigh in the last 30 minutes, and sits up, slipping his backpack off, letting it fall onto the bed, before taking out any assignments he had and finishing them. Evan _hated_ homework, but always did it, not for good grades, but because he was too afraid to fail. Because then he's had to repeat a year, and make it another year of Heidi having to take care of him, instead of going to college, and instead being a burden to her and having to social embarrassment of being such a failure that he was forced to repeat, and they'd probably have to get him a tutor, because he's  _obviously_ not smart enough to do it himself-

Yeah.

Evan wasn't going _there_ again.

With finished homework, he put it back into his backpack because he knew he'd probably forget it in the morning if he didn't, and he took out his laptop.

He opened Skype, and clicked on Jared's icon.

And started to type.

 **[ Forest Expertise ]** Hey,, you there?

It took a moment, before he got a response

          **[ kinky kleinman ]** of course

 **[ Forest Expertise ]** How was school??

 **[ kinky kleinman ]** shitty

 **[ Forest Expertise ]** Oh. Right.

 **[ kinky kleinman ]** what did you want dude

 **[ kinky kleinman ]** you initiated this conversation

 **[ kinky kleinman ]** which you never do so congrats

 **[ Forest Expertise ]** Thanks?

 **[ kinky kleinman ]** youre welcome

This is how Jared and Evan's conversations normally went, and Evan has learned to just change the topic.

 **[ Forest Expertise ]** So the weirdest thing happened today.

 **[ kinky kleinman ]** your whole life is weird it can't be that bad

 **[ Forest Expertise ]** Connor Murphy talked to me

 **[ kinky kleinman ]** what a miracle

 **[ kinky kleinman ]** didnt he shove you

 **[ Forest Expertise ]** Yes, after your mean comment

 **[ kinky kleinman ]** am i supposed to apologize

Evan sighed.

 **[ Forest Expertise ]** Yes

 **[ kinky kleinman ] "** i'm sorry"

 **[ Forest Expertise ]** Just because you say it doesn't mean it counts,,,, but whatever ok. Back to the shoving thing

 **[ kinky kleinman ]** get to the point hansen

 **[ Forest Expertise ]** He, uh,  actually apologized for that,,,,???

 **[ kinky kleinman ]** holy shit really

 **[ Forest Expertise ]** Yeah! And like,,, he also signed my cast???

 **[ kinky kleinman ]** dude please tell me you washed it off already

Evan gave a confused look, glancing at Connor's name on the cast, before responding.

 **[ Forest Expertise ]** No??? Why would I do that??

 **[ kinky kleinman ]** dude

 **[ kinky kleinman ]** you can't have connor murphys name on your cast

 **[ Forest Expertise ]** Why not??

 **[ kinky kleinman ]** it's social suicide! connor is bat-shit crazy and being friendly to him isnt gonna help your social standing

 **[ kinky kleinman ]** and youre already pretty low on that dude

 **[ Forest Expertise ]** Well I can't just wash it off,,,,

 **[ kinky kleinman ]** why not

 **[ Forest Expertise ]** Do you know how casts work?? I can't get it wet. Also, it's kinda rude.

 **[ kinky kleinman ]** oh my god

 **[ kinky kleinman ]** really

 **[ Forest Expertise ]** It is though?

 **[ kinky kleinman ]** i cant believe im friends with you

 **[ Forest Expertise ]** We're family friends remember.

 **[ kinky kleinman ]** oh right good point

 **[ kinky kleinman ]** i guess im stuck with you then!!

 **[ Forest Expertise ]** Gee, thanks,,,,,

      _[_ _kinky kleinman ] is now offline_

Evan sighed, and logged of Skype too. Jared might be an asshole sometimes- no, most of the time. But he was still Evan's friend. At least in Evan's eyes.  _Even though he probably does it out of pity._ Knowing Jared, that was hard to believe, but wasn't completely unreasonable.  _He doesn't actually like you._ Evan didn't know that exactly. Even though Jared always mentioned how he was only nice to Evan for car insurance. Which was probably not a very friendly thing to do - but that was just Jared being Jared! At least, Evan thought it was...

Opening a word document on his computer, he exhaled, and started typing.

_Dear Evan Hansen, turns out today was neither a bad nor good day. And here's why._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaa sorry this chapter is so short my brain was hurting and i didn't have any inspiration. Since it's the weekend I might be able to write more chapters, so keep tuned!!  
> Also JARED MAKES AN ENTRAAAAANCCEEEEE


	3. The Other Side of the Coin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a little difference in this chapter...

The thing about your brain is that it's always the same, yet you can change it in ways you want. Think of it like clay. You can take your behavior and shape it however you want. Want to try and be nice to other people? Just change the shape. Wake up at a certain time? Set an alarm enough times that if you turn it off, you've molded your brain into waking up at that time anyway.

But there were things in your brain that you couldn't change. Like... dried out clay. Something that you can't change even if you try. Even if you try really,  _really,_ hard.

. . . Every morning Connor Murphy has a little debate about whether he's going to school today or not. He constantly makes a list of the pros and cons.

Cons

-The shit students say about him

-Homework

-Teachers

-No smoking

-Having to face Kleinman and his stupid remarks

-Zoe wouldn't want to see him there anyway

Pros

-It would make his mother happy

 

Yeah. Let's just say that Connor's list hadn't changed since last summer. But something was different about waking up today. It certainly wasn't the bland, tan ceiling of his room, or the red walls, or the shaggy carpet that covered the wooden floors that were scratched and dented through years of outbursts and boredom. No, what Connor realized was different about this morning was that there was another pro on his list.

So it was a certain surprise when Cynthia heard a crash from Connor's room 5 minutes before the bus left, when she was certain today was another day he would skip. Normally, she would try and persuade him to at least come downstairs, but he more often than not rejected the offer. So when Connor came pounding down the stairs frantically trying to pull his black hoodie over his head, before promptly smacking into a wall, before backtracking and finally getting it over his mess of curly brown hair, Cynthia was wearing a look of curiosity and pleasant shock. This still didn't mean that Connor was going to school, however. He  _did_ have his own car. . .

"Er, Connor, honey, would you like some breakfast before you go out-" She started, the french toast she was making making a pleasant ding from the toaster on the counter.

"Can't. I'll just grab something at school" Connor interrupted, double knotting his laces, before straightening. Ah. So he  _was_ going to school. That earned a warm smile from his mother, even though his back was turned, he could feel it radiating off her face. He couldn't help but feeling slightly less worse about going to school knowing that he had made her happy. At least momentarily.

He grabbed his backpack, and his car keys off the rack - he would never get on that shitty bus - and walked out the door, to the black Sedan parked in the driveway. He got in, listening to the rumble of the engine as he fired it up, before driving out onto the road. He drove quietly, not bothering to put on any music. Connor took a stoplight to glance around at what was around this area, before noticing the small bridge that lead to where small park closest to the library was. Connor glanced at the backseat where a bunch of books were carefully scattered. The library wasn't  _that_ far away, and he's just have to run in and put the books in the drop. Easy. Would barely take any time. The light turned green, and Connor took a sharp left, and got into the lane towards the library. He swerved into the parking lot  _way_ too quickly, and carelessly parked, before grabbing the books from the backseat, and left the engine running as he ran in, casting a smile at Linda, the librarian, as he slide his books through the book return. He wished her a good day, and sprinted back to the car.

As Connor was pulling out of the parking lot, he noticed a very familiar blue shirt walking on the sidewalk by the park, in the direction of the school. He had no idea why, but he drove towards him, and rolled down his window waiting for him to notice that Connor was there, but he didn't. He just kept walking, or at least before he called "Hansen!", which lead to Evan nearly jumping out of his skin, and whipping around, realizing for the first time Connor's presence. God, he could practically see the clockwork in his head working, trying to figure out what was happening. Connor sighed.

This was going to be a long day.

"Do you want a  _ride,_ Hansen"

"I'm sorry wha-"

"To School" Connor rested his head on the wheel, letting out a deeper sigh.

"Oh. U-Uhm, yes? I mean if it's not a p-problem with yo-"

"If it was a problem why the fuck would I be offering to drive you."  
"Oh. Right." was the only response, as Hansen wiped his hands on his pants, before opening the passenger door, and getting inside. Connor lifted his head of the wheel, observing him as he got in. The honey-blonde was too stiff, too unsure, he hadn't even done anything, but he looked like he had just killed his own parents. There was something there that hit a little too close to home.

Evan Hansen looked sad.

He took a sharp breath, and started driving towards the school, now with Hansen - Should he call him Evan? - in his passenger seat, twisting his shirt between his fingers. They said nothing the entire rest of the drive to the school.

When Connor parked in the school parking lot, Evan instantly started to get out, and Connor did the same, taking the keys out of the engine, and getting his backpack. By the time Connor had locked the car, Evan was already heading towards the doors.

"Hey, Evan!" When he looked back, he seemed surprised that Connor had actually used his name, but -- it was like a pleasant surprise? Huh.

"Hey, I, uhm, got something," Connor slung his backpack off just enough that he could open the front pocket, before pulling out a small black cube and offering it to Evan. He glanced from the cube to Connor, confused, but taking the gift in his hands and looking at it. "It's, uh. A Fidget Cube. It's supposed to help calm you down and, uh, stuff?"

Evan just stared.

"I want you to have it, Evan. It's no big deal, my mom can just buy me another.." He explained. And--

Holy Shit was Evan  _tearing up?_ "Wait no fuck I didn't-" Evan shook his head, and Connor shut up.

"It's fine I'm just- Thanks, Mu- Connor. Thanks Connor."

"Oh. Okay, no problem."

And Evan smiled at him, before turning and heading for the doors again, entering the building, leaving Connor in the parking lot, with a shocking realization.

Holy shit, Evan Hansen had  _dimples??_

Oh, and also, Connor was a fucking klutz, because he had scraped his knee realizing how  _gay_ he was.

For Evan.

Evan had  _dimples???_

Woah man.

Woah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah!! Opinions on this? I decided to have some insight to Connor's view of things. I don't know if I'll continue to switch between their perspectives or just stick with Evan's. Thoughts??
> 
> EDIT : Also, when I was writing Connor leaving the house, I said " Connor interrupted, double knotting his laces, before straightening." and i just... quietly whispered "Yeah he can't do that though, he's too gay" at 2 AM  
> HES REALLY GAYYY
> 
> Also EVan and Connor are totally gonna fall for each other but say nothing because the other ***CLEARLY*** has NOOOOO interest in them at ALLLLLLLLLLL  
> haha suffer.

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah they're gay and I would love to read any comments or reviews you want to leave? Advice is welcome!!  
> Thanks for reading! I'll update as soon as possible.


End file.
